February is all about P-A-S-S-I-O-N, which explains why this is our “RED” issue. So I set out on a quest to find a redhead who is passionate about her man, passionate about her work, passionate about her life and passionate about important causes in the world. And if by chance she happened to be an Aquarius, so much the better.

It was a tall order, but I found someone who fits that description to a tee. Mary Steenburgen is one of my favorite actresses and she has been happily married to sexy Ted Danson since 1995. Mary has starred in some of my favorite movies including “I Am Sam” with Sean Penn, and “Life as a House” with Kevin Kline, and she just played Reese Witherspoon’s mother in “Four Christmases.” Later this year you can see her in two new films, “Open Road” with Justin Timberlake and Jeff Bridges, and “The Proposal” with Sandra Bullock.

This is one of my very favorite Up Close and Personals. You will love hearing what Mary has to say. Happy Valentine’s Day.

MR: Describe yourself in three words.
MS: Otherworldly, passionate and impatient.

MR: Name something people would be surprised to learn about you.
MS: I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy, irreverent, naughty, and low-brow. Often I find I’m laughing by myself. I did a movie last year called “Stepbrothers” with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly and I don’t think I ever made such a hit movie that so few of my friends have seen. I loved every second of it and was devastated when it ended.

I’m capable of doing a thoughtful show like “Joan of Arcadia” but even that set was total pandemonium. Amber Tamblyn, Jason Ritter and Michael Welch, who played our kids, never stopped pinching, tickling and attacking each other, and Joe Mantegna, who played my husband, and I were the perfect audience. We thought they were hysterical.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a laugh junkie. When my daddy was tickled by something, he laughed silently until tears rolled down his face. I loved to get him to that place and then you would laugh too even if you didn’t have a clue what it was about. A large part of my life is seeking out laughter.

MR: What you most passionate about?
MS: I’m insanely in love with every member of my family starting with our children who are four unique characters. Each one of them fascinates me. I am blessed to be their mother and stepmother. They’re in their mid-twenties so they have their own places, but when we get together it’s a big noisy group. I don’t have grandchildren yet, but I have grand-dogs plus our three.

I’m also passionate about making a positive difference in the world, which for me means helping people who have a hard time helping themselves. The phrase “Only Connect”, by E.M. Forster who wrote “Howard’s End”, is important to me. It’s about reaching out and letting myself be touched by others and let them be touched by me.

Basically I’m a shy person so the whole fame thing has been a challenge in many ways. The idea of being the focus of a group isn’t easy for me, but I push past it because I feel if this was handed to me, then it’s important that I do right by it. I believe in angels and I think they handed me certain responsibilities and I don’t want to disappoint them.

Most of what people think about me isn’t based on reality. I don’t think it’s healthy for any of us to dwell on what other people think of us. Rather we should come from the heart and tell our truth as best we can. When you’re “famous,” which isn’t how I really think of myself, people always approach you. Recently a man in the airport said, ‘it must drive you crazy always having people come up to you.’ It was funny that he didn’t see himself as one of those people, but what he was trying to find out is what it’s like being me. If I regarded peoples’ attention as an intrusion, then a large part of my public life would be miserable. I don’t think of it that way. I hold it as a gift. In some ways I’m more curious about people than they are about me so I try to divert the conversation back to them.

MR: Who would you like to be for 24 hours?
MS: Someone on “Dancing with the Stars.” I’d want to learn the dance routines during rehearsal, but I wouldn’t want to compete in front of an audience.

MR: Describe a perfect day?
MS: Tea in bed with my husband and dogs in the morning, reading, going for a walk in the Ojai Valley, puttering around the house, having margaritas and a great Mexican dinner with friends. So much of my life is about traveling that perfection is staying home.

MR: What was your childhood like?
MS: I use the word otherworldly to describe myself, and people who know me well either complain or see it as a compliment that I seem to have one foot here and one foot somewhere else. That’s been true since I was a little girl, partly because starting when I was eight years old my dad had a series of heart attacks and he almost died over and over again. A number of things happened to me as a result of that; some were good and creative while others continue to challenge me. For one, I never saw life as a given. I still don’t, which is good and bad. Sometimes I wish I took life a little more for granted because for me there’s an intensity to it. I experience great appreciation, but I also have some intense fears and worries, which I try and work on.

Teenagers feel omnipotent like nothing will happen to them, but I never experienced that. When I started acting as a child, I discovered a world that was safe. If someone died on stage, the curtain went down and they got up again. That became a world of comfort, whereas for other people, appearing on stage would be the most terrifying thing in the world. That’s not to say I don’t get scared to death the opening night of a play. I get petrified, but the world of pretend has a certain solace. At this point in my life I understand the difference between pretend and reality, but I still love telling stories. I love the writers and crew who take a leap of faith. It’s a group effort and if we don’t all pull together, the show doesn’t go on. I love that I grew up in a profession that’s a little like running away and joining the circus.

MR: When did your dad pass away?
MS: Ironically, he passed away in 1989, when 
I was 35 years old, of lung cancer from chewing tobacco. When the state of Arkansas asked me to do an anti-smoking campaign I said yes because I love where I’m from and I love giving back. But I asked that a part of the PSA educate people about how chewing tobacco goes from the capillaries in your stomach into your lungs and can cause cancer. I’ve had men tell me that until they saw that piece they thought they were using a safe alternative to cigarettes and they stopped because of me and my father. I know that would make my dad very happy.

MR: What is your most treasured material possession?
MS: My dad was a freight train conductor and he had a little silver signaling lantern that lit his way. It has two small bulbs that still work because I don’t turn it on very often.

MR: What three people have had the greatest influence on you?
MS: I’d have to say Jack Nicholson. I’d been waitressing in New York for six years and doing comedy improv for no money at the Manhattan Theater Club. In 1978 when I was 24, Jack made all my dreams come true when he cast me as his leading lady and directed me in my first film “Goin’ South.” He was responsible for so much that happened to me. He says I would have made it anyway, but to have the beginning of your career influenced by such a huge talent who is such a consummate actor was an extraordinary privilege. He was his best self with me (laugh). I don’t know if I just wasn’t that attractive, but that wasn’t part of our relationship. He really mentored me. He sat me in a screening room and ran movies for me. Then he’d come in at the end and ask what I liked about them and we’d talk about the performances. I’d gone from Arkansas to New York to study theater, trying to immerse myself in a world that was exotic enough, but I’d never seen any of the classic films. Jack gave me this acting education that was quite generous and an immense event in my life. I was lucky to be in the right place at the right time to audition for him, but 99 percent of it was studying, working, putting on those orthopedic shoes every night that I waitressed, being prepared. If you wait for luck, you’ll waste your time. Even if it comes, you won’t have anything to back it up. I tell kids how important it is to study so they’re better than the millions of others who are trying to do the same thing.

Second are my parents. My dad, a man of few words was a really good human being, and my mom who had a stroke about a year ago and has Parkinsonism so she can’t move much. We communicate mostly with our eyes. My mom didn’t have an easy life. She was handed around as a child because her dad died when she was young and her older sister who’s 98 and lives with her, helped raise her. My mother’s always been this magical creature that never was a normal mother. It always felt like I had the wisest child in the world raising me. But when my dad couldn’t work, she supported us. I grew up a feminist because it didn’t occur to me that a woman couldn’t jump in and do anything because my mom did. Being a feminist who strives to be the best she can be is such a lovely thing for all women to be. Funnily enough, mom’s best friend at work was General Wesley Clark’s mother. It’s bizarre that I’ve had three incredibly close friends run for president.

And the Clintons. I’m deeply proud of what they continue to do in the world. Ted and I traveled to Africa with Bill last summer. Two out of every three children there receive their AIDS and malaria drugs because of the Clinton Foundation and their affiliation with groups like “Partners in Health.” I met the heroic Dr. Paul Farmer, founder of PIH, who had a fascinating book written about him called “Mountains Beyond Mountains.” We also met Paul Kagame, the President of Rwanda. A book called “A Thousand Hills: Rwanda’s Rebirth and the Man Who Dreamed It” tells how 14 years after the 1994 genocide that claimed 800,000 lives in 100 days, Kagame has embarked on a program of reconciliation and reconstruction to rebuild their shattered country.

We’re all imperfect and life is a work in progress, but my relationship with Bill and Hillary has been profound and has inspired me in many ways. Beyond who they are professionally, on a friendship level it’s meant a lot that they’ve been there for me during the hard moments in my life as well as to celebrate my victories, even more than some people I know who are way less busy. I love them very much. They are family.

MR: You must have been very disappointed that Hillary wasn’t elected president. How do you feel about her appointment as Secretary of State?
MS: Ted and I campaigned for Obama with Bill and Hillary in Arkansas and we spent a month campaigning by ourselves all over the state, even though people told us it was a waste of time. It was a wonderful privilege but I wasn’t able to do it until I could embrace it with an enthusiastic heart. The first time I saw Barack Obama speak I was deeply moved and I told Ted that I hoped I’d have the honor of voting for him as president someday. That day came sooner than I dreamt – both as a woman and as someone who loves my friend. I had to mourn that and go back and reconnect with my initial reaction to him and fully realize that this was his moment.

My hope is that because Barack Obama is such a wonderful person and a great statesman, those people whose hearts are closed will have their hearts touched so that the racial elements will be improved. I think he’s been placed in front of us as president in order for him to change people’s lives in a great way.

As for Hillary as Secretary of State, I had dinner with her the night before the press announced it. I’m excited for the world. I think she’ll have his back and be fiercely protective of his goals. They understand each other like few people can.

MR: What is your greatest extravagance?
MS: Art supplies. One of my favorite stores is Sennelier in Paris. It has handmade paint brushes from all over the world, Japanese watercolors, all kinds of oil paints. When I go there I want one of everything. I have a daughter named Lily and right now I’m going through a big water lily phase.

MR: What is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness?
MS: My greatest weakness is impatience. Sometimes I want things to move at warp speed and I have to learn to take a deep breath and find that part of me that is patient. It’s a quality I wish I’d inherited more of from my father.
My greatest strength is that I don’t stop myself from diving into creativity. I’ve been involved in the world of design for years. There is a store I love called Rooms & Gardens that Jami and Eric Voulgaris started in Santa Barbara and I partnered with them on a store in Santa Monica.

Lily and I recently launched a line of luxury candles called Nell’s Compass. We’ve always been obsessed with fragrance, especially essential oils which I’ve studied and used medicinally for years. There’s a different candle for each direction. They are made out of soy in America with natural fragrance and lead-free wicks in richly-colored recycled glass. You can order them by going toroomsandgardens.com or nellscompass.com

MR: What’s the significance of the name?
MS: Nell is my mother’s name and my middle name. My mother has the most beautiful inner compass and the way she’s navigated through life is amazing.

MR: A portion of the proceeds from your candles go to Heifer International. How did you get involved with that charity?
MS: Through Hillary Clinton. Heifer called and said that for her 50th birthday they wanted 
me to present her with a goat at a small party at the White House. I wasn’t familiar with their work so I didn’t understand what they were saying.

I learned that Heifer was started by a man in Europe who passed out powdered milk to the hungry during WWII. He kept seeing the same faces and realized that he was the only thing between these people and starvation. He wanted to find a way to empower them to help themselves and then pass on the gift because he felt it was demeaning to always be the recipient of others’ generosity. He thought about ‘if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.’ What’s beautiful about Heifer is that they don’t just give people goats, cows, sheep, and chickens to raise. They teach people how to care for the animals because they are the difference between life and death. Then they are expected to pass on the gift of their animals’ offspring to others in their community. And the community holds them accountable. The villagers are also taught self-sustaining agriculture, like planting grasses that help prevent erosion and replenish the soil. So people can give gifts like a flock of chickens for $20, a trio of bunnies for $50, a pig for $120, a water buffalo for $250, or they can donate $10 toward a share of an animal simply by going towww.heifer.org. It’s very holistic.

MR: You’ve played a lot of supporting roles, like in the movie “The Brave One” with Jodie Foster. Is it hard to give up the bigger roles?
MS: Some people criticized me years ago when I started taking little parts, but for me 
I have no interest in a one-woman show. The more people in the piece, the more people I get to play with.
Jodie Foster is one of the few actors I deeply admire that I’d never worked with and I didn’t know if I’d ever get a chance again so that was more important to me than my ego of how big or small my part was.

MR: I loved “Joan of Arcadia.” Was it as special for you as it was for me?
MS: You try to serve the piece and the writer and after that it goes out into the ethers and you never know peoples’ experiences. With “Joan of Arcadia” there were some amazing stories that came back to us. One letter was from parents who had a daughter in her 30s who had cancer. She came home to be with them and no matter what was going on with her treatments they watched the show together every Friday night. She passed away at the end of one of our episodes (Mary gets choked up) and her parents felt that she chose to leave the world at that time.

People asked if the show was about God or a girl who talked to God, but I saw the show being about ripples. Most ripples go unnoticed, but the show examined the unanswerable question of where does what you do go, even if it’s the tiniest thing, and how does it affect others? 

We all put out good and bad ripples. I’m feeling shy or sad and I’m sitting somewhere with my head down and someone thinks I’m unapproachable. Where do the ripples from the things we do, like talking about each other, go? I find that deeply interesting.

MR: What five people would you invite to a dinner party?
MS: I’d invite Jesus, though I can’t imagine the possibility of meeting him. I feel the same way about Mohammad, the Dalai Lama, and Nelson Mandela. I’d probably invite Lincoln as the token Republican and Ellen DeGeneres would be invited too. She used to own the house we live in now. Ellen’s a little bit of an angel on earth. She connects humor with her heart and soul in such an extraordinary way. Talking about ripples in the world, Ellen is very powerful in terms of what she puts out there in a wonderful way. I love and admire her deeply.

MR: How did you come to buy Ellen’s house?
MS: I lived in the Ojai Valley before I was with Ted and one day I stopped by Ellen’s house for a few minutes. Then I moved away and later when Ted and I were visiting friends in Ojai he said he wanted to move here. The whole time he was talking, I kept picturing Ellen’s house, but I knew someone high-up in the Buddhist religion had purchased it from her. The next morning a friend called and mentioned that the house Ellen used to own was going up for sale that day. I told her I’d see her in an hour. I knew the house had said, ‘it’s time for you to come and be here.’ Every house I’ve lived in has that kind of story. Now Ellen teases me and says, ‘I want my house back.’

MR: What was it like working with Jeff Bridges and Justin Timberlake on “Open Road”?
MS: We had the best time. Everybody came to my house in Ojai and we spent four days together. We played music, sang, cooked dinners, went to the gym. It helped us bond and have a familial sense of each other because I’d met but never worked with Jeff, who plays my ex-husband, and I’d never met Justin, who plays my son. Jeff is lovely and I adore Justin. He’s a totally sweetie.

MR: You and Ted Danson were married in 1995 and are one of Hollywood’s most solid couples. What’s your secret for a happy marriage?
MS: We tell each other the truth, even the hard truth, all the time. We make each other laugh all day every day, even on the hard days. I think this marriage was arranged in heaven and is a gift that I give thanks for every day. Neither of us takes the other for granted. I adore him. He’s the funniest, most extraordinary person. I utterly respect him.

MR: How will you spend Valentine’s Day?
MS: We feel so lucky to have found each other that we celebrate every single day in a very conscious way. On Valentine’s Day it’s fun to watch others celebrate. The value comes from people remembering to be more loving every day.

MR: Any last words of wisdom?
MS: I think people believe that the world stops you from doing things when the truth is it’s you. I don’t stop myself from going after the things that my heart yearns for. There were so many reasons not to do the candle line like the economy and the fact that I don’t know anything about it. I’m glad I don’t listen to that voice that says you can’t do something because I live more fully that way with no regrets. If I have failures, that’s okay. It’s part of the learning.